Unplugging from the Narrative(s)

The Meaning of Existence
Everything except language
knows the meaning of existence.
Trees, planets, rivers, time
know nothing else. They express it
moment by moment as the universe.

Even this fool of a body
lives it in part, and would
have full dignity within it
but for the ignorant freedom
of my talking mind.


from
Poems the Size of Photographs, 2002, by Les Murray

For anyone who has a pet cat or dog, you will know that they do not grumble or complain the way humans do. A dog may whine for food and a cat may purr for attention, but they will never add to that need with telling you their stories of their pain or problems. Not that they can say much, and they are creatures who very much live in the present. Take for example my friend’s German Pinscher, which had a life threatening stomach problem that culminated over the period of three weeks. When my wife and I saw this dog on four different occasions during that time the dog did not moan or do anything that would add to its problems; it simply seemed docile and tired.

Animals- on the whole- tend not to add drama to their lives, and this is something humans (myself in particular) find to be a challenge. The constant chattering of the mind wanting to seek the next ‘thing’ or explanation about what is going on in life can be tiring at the best of times. When I am not running, it is to be frank exhausting, and something that I envy in animals to be just in the present; not to be speculating about the future or ruminating about the past. That’s what I so love about the poem above, which I read on the Tube (as part of Transport for London’s Poems on the Underground series). It states so simply and powerfully how we can be in this moment of existence, without having to a name to it or provide some sort of analysis of the situation.

This is where I would like to be with my running, and this is where I am struggling to be with myself about my running. I wrote earlier in July about how I knew that it would be a long slow process to recover from historic and serious hamstring tears. I knew that there was a gap between understanding and knowing; with actually experiencing this recovery being even far more removed from that statement. Each week there have been expectations, with some weeks making progress, and other weeks these hopes being dashed as a new hindrance has revealed itself. It now seems that, seemingly feeling left out of the injury party, my right hamstring is now encountering problems; with there potentially being a problem with my right calf as well. A particular tragi-comical moment came when on a supposedly easy run I struggled to accelerate away from a group of teenagers that had decided I was an undercover policeman, and nearer the end of the run was nearly run over by a two 10-year olds on bikes. Who said running couldn’t be funny?

Initially my thinking had been about when I could start training for Valencia properly again, then it was about when I would be able to do structured training after recovery and finally it has descended to when will I be able to train again properly after recovering. I was starting to feel like one of those rock formations near a costal location, one of those places you get taken to for your geography fieldwork project; where you can see the rock has slowly been eroded over many years to smaller and smaller sizes. The feeling of my goals for my running becoming ever smaller, until they nearly become non-existent. Then there’s the money that I have invested in going to Valencia, which I am increasingly starting to feel like it could have been better spent elsewhere. These are just a few examples of the many stories I have been battling with myself over the last few weeks.

The point is that they are all just stories at the moment, the only thing I can know about is the moment now. The only thing I can say with certainty is that I just don’t know what is going to happen with Valencia, and that’s okay. Like I said in my previous post, it was always going to be about adapting and taking heart from the small steps in my progression. I just didn’t realise how difficult it would be in practice, with patience being the key word. I have read many other posts about ‘toughing it out’, not something I am necessarily against, however I think it is okay to say when you are finding something you once found enjoyable becoming increasingly difficult to re-kindle that same sense of fun. I am still passionate about running, it’s just about acknowledging that sometimes you are not always going to have fun doing something you are passionate about; and it is about getting the job done.

I recognise that this set back was never going to be an easy one to recover from, and there is the opportunity to come out of this experience as a more balanced as well as stronger runner. That said, I think it’s always good to be honest and break the bubble of cognitive dissonance that social media is so insidious with; namely to correct the view that I am powering through my recovery with ease and without any frustration. My patience is being stretched, my faith in coming back a stronger runner is being tested and I am having to work harder to keep my confidence about my running ability. That’s why I love the poem it just reminds me that things are simpler and easier, when I don’t try to complicate things.

If I have to spend the whole of the Summer and Autumn recovering, so that I can be strong for London. Then so be it. If this time spent recovering is going to be about making me a stronger runner, then that is what I will do. There are still a lot of things to take enjoyment from outside my own immediate running. I have definitely learnt and added a lot more to my strength and conditioning exercises, which I have to admit has actually been fun. A friend who introduced me to running all the way back in 2013, has had a recent return to good form with his running. I am really happy for him, as he had faced a number of injury issues over the last few years, and he deserves to get back to his best. Also I have made a pledge to try and learn as much Spanish before I go to Valencia. The best way I reckon I can do this is through the Rosetta Stone app. Whilst my running may be haphazard, I may start reviewing the books that I have read on running as I way to keep my passion for the sport going.

If recharging is what my body needs, then so be it; I am just looking forward to getting back to running regularly again.